Bad Jokes

A man was seen with six children in tow.
A man walked into a store with six children in tow.
The store owner asked, "These kids are all yours?"
The man replies, "Nope, these are customer complaints. I work in a condom factory."
A young boy asks his father, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Father said,"Well, you are my son, I am very confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, now, that is confidential!"

Be Careful Of What You Say

A man was frustrated that his son is always telling lies.
So he bought the latest home electronic craze - a portable lie detector, and set it at the dinner table. The machine would beep loudly when it detects that the person talking is lying.

That evening, the man asked his son, "What did you do after school today?"
The boy replied, "I was at the library" 
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"OK, OK,  I was at Eddie's house, watching a movie" the boy said.
"What movie did you watch?"  the father asked.
"Er...Peter Pan." 
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"OK, OK, it was a porn movie", confessed the son.
The man yelled, "What?  When I was your age I did not even know what porn was."  
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

The wife laughed and said, "Ha! Ha! Ha! He certainly is your son." 
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! 

The lie detector machine was up for sale on ebay that night.

Always Seek A Second Opinion

A man suffered from persistent severe headache and is willing to do anything to get rid of it.
The doctor said, "I can cure your headaches but I will need remove your testicles. It seems that you have a very rare condition, whereby your testicles are pressing on a nerve at the base of your spine. That is the cause of your headaches. I cannot remove the nerve so, the only way is to remove the testicles."

The man pondered for a long time before deciding to go for the surgery.
When he left the hospital a few days later the surgery, his headache was cured but he felt like he has lost an important part of himself.
He decided to cheer himself up by buying a new pant. At the shop, the saleman expertly looked him over and said, 'I think you need a size 36."
The man smiled,"I have been wearing size 34 all along and I just lost weight due to surgery too."
The saleman was surprised, "But you can't be wearing a size 34 sir. A size 34 would be so tight around the groin that it would press your balls against the base of your spine. That would give you one hell of a headache."

The Best Excuse For Speeding

A highway patrol chase down a sport convertible which was speeding on the highway. 
A middle-aged man was driving the car. 

The police officer walked over to the driver and asked. "Why are you doing, driving at 140mph? Are you trying to get both of us killed!"

The man looked sheepishly and said, "I was enjoying a slow leisure drive in my brand new car when I saw you pulling up behind me. 

Sir, my wife just ran away with a police officer. I thought you were bringing her back". 

The police officer looked at the man and then said, "Have a good day, Sir, drive slow and careful."

There Has To Be One In Every Crowd

During a concert, the lead singer of U2, Bono, a well known activist for helping Africa, asked the audience for silence.

He then slowly clapped his hands.

As the audience waited in puzzlement, Bono said, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies. I want you to think about that."

There has to be one in every crowd - a man sitting near the front rows shouted,
"Then stop clapping, .....you ****ing ***hole!"