Who's The Lunatic?

This is from the supposedly true account of an author/ researcher who studied lunatics in China.

The woman squatted for hours under an umbrella, staring at the ground. Nobody has been able to get her to speak. Nobody understand what is wrong with her.
A researcher decided to gain empathy by doing the same thing. He squatted beside her, under an umbrella for 10 days, before she noticed him.
The first words she uttered was,"Hey, are you a mushroom too?"

Bar Squabble

Two tough guys are drinking at a bar. The older man starts to insult the younger man.
He yelled,"I slept with your mother!"
The bar was deadly silent everyone held their breathe and waited to see what the other man will do.
The older tough yelled again,"I said I slept with your mother!"
The other man finally sighed and said,"Time to go home dad. You are drunk."

Hole In The Fence

A man was walking beside a tall wooden fence. He can hear a group of people chanting, "Fifteen! Fifteen! Fifteen!" His curiousity was piqued. He saw a hole in the fence and bent over to peek. A finger stabbed him in the eye. Immediately, the chanting rose an octave and changed to,"Sixteen! Sixteen! Sixteen!"

Bad Jokes

A man was seen with six children in tow.
A man walked into a store with six children in tow.
The store owner asked, "These kids are all yours?"
The man replies, "Nope, these are customer complaints. I work in a condom factory."
A young boy asks his father, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Father said,"Well, you are my son, I am very confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, now, that is confidential!"

Don't Feel Bad About It

Impotence is just Mother Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

It Is Hard To Be A Teacher

A teacher was talking about blood circulation in the human body.

"Now, class, if I stand on my head, my face would turn red from the increased in blood."

"But why is it that when I am standing upright, the blood do not accumulate and turn my feet red?"

A little boy replied,"Is it because your feet are not empty?"

Watch You Say To A Child

A little girl asked, "Mummy, why are some of your hairs white?" 

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something that make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." 

The little girl thought for a while and asked,"Mummy, is that why all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Buying A Cow

Little Larry went to buy a cow together with his father.

He watched as his father moved from animal to animal, running his hands up and down the cow's legs and slapping the rump hard.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

Larry looked worried. He said, “Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom .....”

Politicians

A car load of <insert your preferred party here> politicians were involved in a traffic accident in the countryside while on the campaign trail.
A farmer rushed to the scene but found the passengers dead. So he buried all the passengers.
A few days later, the police came to interview the farmer and was told that all the passengers were buried.
The policeman asked,"Are you sure that they are all dead?"

The farmer said, "Well, one fellow was screaming that he is still alive when I was burying him"
The policeman was dumbstrucked.

The farmer continued,"You know how it is, them politicians never tell the truth."

Men Just Don't Get What Women Are Saying

A man was driving down a country road and was coming to a blind corner.
A lady driver came around the bend, lean over and yelled,"DONKEY!"
The man was infuriated. He leaned out the window and shouted back,"BITCH!"
He was smug at his quick reaction and comeback. His car went round the corner and ran smack into a donkey standing in the middle of the road.
Men just don't get what women are saying.

That Makes Sense

A newbie asked the diving instructor,"Why do we always fall backward to get off the boat?"

The diving instructor, "Of course you have to go backward. If you fell forward, you would still be in the boat."

Who Are You?

A man called up the hospital frantically and informed the nurse who answered the telephone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are now two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the nurse.

"Heck, no", shouted the man, "this is her husband!"

Who Wants To Go To Heaven?

An old couple died together at the ripe old age of 110 years. In the last 60 years of their lives, the wife had insisted on a strict diet for both of them to stay healthy.

When they went to heaven, St. Peter brought them to a beautiful mansion. In the dining room, there was a lavish buffet spread with food of all kinds, from seafood to Chinese food, hamburgers and sushi.

St Peter told them, "This is Heaven. This mansion is now your home and all that you see is free for you to enjoy. You can eat and drink as much as you like and not get fat or sick.  the best part is - there are no dishes to wash. "

The man glared at his wife, "You and your f*..... oatmeal porridge.  We could have been here 50 years ago!"

Be Careful Of What You Say

A man was frustrated that his son is always telling lies.
So he bought the latest home electronic craze - a portable lie detector, and set it at the dinner table. The machine would beep loudly when it detects that the person talking is lying.

That evening, the man asked his son, "What did you do after school today?"
The boy replied, "I was at the library" 
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"OK, OK,  I was at Eddie's house, watching a movie" the boy said.
"What movie did you watch?"  the father asked.
"Er...Peter Pan." 
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"OK, OK, it was a porn movie", confessed the son.
The man yelled, "What?  When I was your age I did not even know what porn was."  
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

The wife laughed and said, "Ha! Ha! Ha! He certainly is your son." 
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! 

The lie detector machine was up for sale on ebay that night.

Always Seek A Second Opinion

A man suffered from persistent severe headache and is willing to do anything to get rid of it.
The doctor said, "I can cure your headaches but I will need remove your testicles. It seems that you have a very rare condition, whereby your testicles are pressing on a nerve at the base of your spine. That is the cause of your headaches. I cannot remove the nerve so, the only way is to remove the testicles."

The man pondered for a long time before deciding to go for the surgery.
When he left the hospital a few days later the surgery, his headache was cured but he felt like he has lost an important part of himself.
He decided to cheer himself up by buying a new pant. At the shop, the saleman expertly looked him over and said, 'I think you need a size 36."
The man smiled,"I have been wearing size 34 all along and I just lost weight due to surgery too."
The saleman was surprised, "But you can't be wearing a size 34 sir. A size 34 would be so tight around the groin that it would press your balls against the base of your spine. That would give you one hell of a headache."

The Best Excuse For Speeding

A highway patrol chase down a sport convertible which was speeding on the highway. 
A middle-aged man was driving the car. 

The police officer walked over to the driver and asked. "Why are you doing, driving at 140mph? Are you trying to get both of us killed!"

The man looked sheepishly and said, "I was enjoying a slow leisure drive in my brand new car when I saw you pulling up behind me. 

Sir, my wife just ran away with a police officer. I thought you were bringing her back". 

The police officer looked at the man and then said, "Have a good day, Sir, drive slow and careful."

There Has To Be One In Every Crowd

During a concert, the lead singer of U2, Bono, a well known activist for helping Africa, asked the audience for silence.

He then slowly clapped his hands.

As the audience waited in puzzlement, Bono said, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies. I want you to think about that."

There has to be one in every crowd - a man sitting near the front rows shouted,
"Then stop clapping, .....you ****ing ***hole!"